Entries Filed In: Love & Romance

Touch

Thursday, May 15, 2008

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about the importance of spending time together.  Today, I want to talk about how important touch is to a relationship.  When I say touch, I mean holding hands, hugging, rubbing your partners shoulders, etc.  I mean kissing, both quickly and at length.  I mean sex. 

Quick touches are a way to stay connected; to remind yourselves that you are partners in an intimate relationship, not just roommates or friends.  It is a way to reconnect after a long day, when the chaos is still swirling around you: dinner, kids, working from home, email.  A kiss when you walk in the door.  A touch on the back as you pass.  Holding hands while watching television.

Sex, when it is without resentment or anger, is a way to build the intimacy even more: to be vulnerable, to connect on a purely physical and emotional level.  Sexuality is a basic human need.  It is important to us as humans.  It is important to us as partners in a relationship. 

I regularly assign homework to the couples that I see that involves touch:  Touch each other.  Be physical together.  Don’t let life, chaos and resentment interfere with that aspect of your relationship.  Let go.  Let go with each other. 

Touch is a powerful thing.  It is healing.  It is a way to reconnect.

Take Some Time Together

Thursday, May 01, 2008

One of the things that always strikes me when I talk to couples who are in crisis is how little time they spend together. They usually say that they want to spend time together, but there are just too many other demands: work, children, family obligations, sleep, alone time to recharge and replenish. The problem is that if you don’t spend time with your partner, risk losing the connection and remembering why you chose each other. And when you are feeling distant, everything else in life is more complicated.

I recommend that couples spend at least 10 minutes a day without kids, television, email or other distractions to just check-in. “How are you? How was your day? What made it (good, bad, busy, slow, etc.)?” Try to limit information sharing and stories about the children. Keep the topic to what is happening in your world.

It is also important to go on dates at least once a month. This offers a more extended period of time to spend focusing on each other. You can do anything on these dates, but it is better to not go to the movies—you spend the date with your attention on something or someone other than your partner. I know that there can be a lot of barriers to setting aside time for each other: getting a babysitter, getting home from work early enough, finding the money. But even if you just have dinner at home together after the kids go to bed or eat at the dining room table rather than in front of the television, you are meeting the basic requirement: setting aside an extended period of time to focus on each other, without distractions.

Time together gives you the opportunity to reconnect, recharge your relationship, and remember why this person is important to you.

Take it.

More About Reflections

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Why do I keep falling in love only to have my heart broken again?  Why do I fall in love with people who are so wrong for me?  Why can’t I get over her?  Why does my ex hate me so much? 

These are questions that I hear over and over in my office.  Humans are social creatures.  It is an evolutionary trait.  Very early on, we learned that we needed each other to reproduce.  We needed each other for protection and food.  And we needed each other to feel that we belonged.  Some of these motivations are still driving us to find a mate. 

A partner.  A spouse.  Someone to love.  Someone who will love us back.

However these evolutionary motivations don’t automatically lead to happily ever after.  The reality is that relationships are hard.  We are not only dealing with our own personalities, temperament, and lessons learned from families about how to be in a relationship.  We are also dealing with someone else’s temperament and family lessons.  The situation is further complicated by the fact that our deepest feelings get touched.

Unfortunately, there are no easy answers.  It is not just a matter of knowing that it is critical to talk your partner about your feelings.  It is about jumping over the fears and worries that consume you and trusting that you can be safe with her.  It is about being open to hear that he is angry with you.  It is about practicing, and realizing that you may hurt his feelings.  It is about apologizing when you do.  It is about admitting when you are wrong.  It is about not losing control of your most powerful and intense feelings.  And the process can go right or awry at any or all of these steps.

I will write weekly about issues that pertain to our most intimate relationships.  This may come in the form of helping you to better understand how you and your partner are relating; or, it may be tips and tools on how to make things better.  It may be in the form of a review of a book that might be interesting and informative to those who want to work on their relationships; or in answering specific questions.

Whether you come to my office or read my Reflections, my hope is that I can help you to find peace and create joy in your relationships.