Entries Filed In: Tips & Tools

Parenting Together

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Relationships are never simple. Balancing two people’s needs, wants, desires, and hang-ups are challenging. When you throw parenting into the mix it is even more complex.

One of the biggest challenges that couples face when they become parents is figuring out how to take what they learned from their parents about what to do (or what not to do) and meld it with someone else’s ideas that they took from their own parents. Suddenly there are not 2 people involved anymore, but 6. One couple and two sets of grandparents. And if you are lucky you are only dealing with the issues you brought from your childhood and not grandparents trying to “contribute” on the day to day affairs.

What types of food. How much TV. Type of school. Should he or she play sports? Which Sports? How to handle peer influences. Discipline. Discipline. Discipline.

All of these issues can throw a wrench into the lives of a relatively happy couple. When there are already issues in the relationship, parenting just highlights them even more. The most important thing to do is to sit down with each other after the kids are in bed and talk about it calmly.

“How are WE going to handle [...]?”
“What are WE going to do about [...]?”
“I feel that it is important that WE [...].”

Notice that all of these sentences have an emphasis on the couple. The WE. It is not, “I don’t like it when you [...]” or “You need to stop doing/saying [...]”. Parenting is a partnership. Even if the parents are no longer partners, it is healthier for the children if they are parenting together and using the same techniques rather than fighting over each and every move.

Read books. Talk to other parents about what they do. Talk to your child’s teacher about what he or she suggests (this person has seen and dealt with more behavioral issues than you ever will).

Try not to be defensive. Don’t view it as a criticism. You are working together to parent and you can each draw on your partner’s strengths to make up for you own weaknesses.  None of us are perfect and we all make mistakes when it comes to parenting. What is important is that we see that these are mistakes and try to rectify them and change.  Forgive yourself.  Forgive your partner and find new ways of handling frustrating situations. 

You are raising a person.  You want this person to be a happy, healthy, decent, and loving individual.  And for that to happen you need to be as happy, healthy, decent and loving as you can be.  To your child, to your partner, to yourself.

50-50, Or Get to Work

Thursday, June 12, 2008

One of the hardest things to realize about couple’s therapy is that you are not coming to fix your partner. This is what everyone wants. They say that they want to fix the relationship, but what they really want is for the therapist to point at their partner and say “You are wrong. Stop what you are doing.” Then everything will be better and life can continue.

If you are going to a good therapist, this is not what happens.

I tell all of the couples that I see that all relationships are 50-50. While it may feel that you are putting more work and effort into the relationship, it takes two people, each contributing 50% to the relationship and interactions. It is impossible to fight alone.  It takes two to tango and two to fight.

But no one wants to admit this. So they come into my office and I hear the following:
“You do [...].
“And because you do [...], [...] happens.
“Well you do [...].
And it just goes back and forth with no one really listening or even caring what the other is saying. Everyone is so focused on what the other person does to make the relationship and them miserable that nothing gets done.

I try to change this focus into a collaboration. Because that is what marriage, a relationship, a partnership really is: a collaboration. It is working together to be happy. Working together to find peace.
“How can we work together to change what is happening in our lives?”
“How can we [...]?
“What can we do to change [...]?
Do you notice the WE? Do you notice that they are questions and not demands or statements?  We all have to ask ourselves: My partner is doing [...], what I am doing that is contributing to the dynamic?

I probably will tell your partner that something he or she is doing is a significant factor in the chaos. But I will also say the same thing to you.

We can’t go into therapy expecting that we can sit back and watch our partner do all of the work.  We have to expect that we will be asked to work, to change, and to move forward as well.  It will be hard.  It might hurt.  But it is like going to the gym—all of the time, effort, sweat, hard work, and pain will pay off in the long-run: a longer, happier, healthier… relationship.

It all comes back to 50-50.

Touch

Thursday, May 15, 2008

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about the importance of spending time together.  Today, I want to talk about how important touch is to a relationship.  When I say touch, I mean holding hands, hugging, rubbing your partners shoulders, etc.  I mean kissing, both quickly and at length.  I mean sex. 

Quick touches are a way to stay connected; to remind yourselves that you are partners in an intimate relationship, not just roommates or friends.  It is a way to reconnect after a long day, when the chaos is still swirling around you: dinner, kids, working from home, email.  A kiss when you walk in the door.  A touch on the back as you pass.  Holding hands while watching television.

Sex, when it is without resentment or anger, is a way to build the intimacy even more: to be vulnerable, to connect on a purely physical and emotional level.  Sexuality is a basic human need.  It is important to us as humans.  It is important to us as partners in a relationship. 

I regularly assign homework to the couples that I see that involves touch:  Touch each other.  Be physical together.  Don’t let life, chaos and resentment interfere with that aspect of your relationship.  Let go.  Let go with each other. 

Touch is a powerful thing.  It is healing.  It is a way to reconnect.

The Power of Being Nice

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Have you said something nice to your partner today?

Have you acknowledged that she made an effort to be helpful? That he cooked dinner? That she asked you how your day was?

Have you told him that you love him?

It is amazing how significant the little words of love, acknowledgement and thanks can be in a relationship—especially one that is in conflict. When we don’t hear them we wonder if our partner sees the efforts we are making, appreciates what we contribute, or even if we are loved. But when we do hear them, we know that we are appreciated. We feel motivated to continue to try. We are more likely to say something positive in return.

Every day, find something nice to say. A relationship full of negativity will reflect back just that. In order to get positive results, put positives out there.

Take Some Time Together

Thursday, May 01, 2008

One of the things that always strikes me when I talk to couples who are in crisis is how little time they spend together. They usually say that they want to spend time together, but there are just too many other demands: work, children, family obligations, sleep, alone time to recharge and replenish. The problem is that if you don’t spend time with your partner, risk losing the connection and remembering why you chose each other. And when you are feeling distant, everything else in life is more complicated.

I recommend that couples spend at least 10 minutes a day without kids, television, email or other distractions to just check-in. “How are you? How was your day? What made it (good, bad, busy, slow, etc.)?” Try to limit information sharing and stories about the children. Keep the topic to what is happening in your world.

It is also important to go on dates at least once a month. This offers a more extended period of time to spend focusing on each other. You can do anything on these dates, but it is better to not go to the movies—you spend the date with your attention on something or someone other than your partner. I know that there can be a lot of barriers to setting aside time for each other: getting a babysitter, getting home from work early enough, finding the money. But even if you just have dinner at home together after the kids go to bed or eat at the dining room table rather than in front of the television, you are meeting the basic requirement: setting aside an extended period of time to focus on each other, without distractions.

Time together gives you the opportunity to reconnect, recharge your relationship, and remember why this person is important to you.

Take it.