Why do I keep falling in love only to have my heart broken again? Why do I fall in love with people who are so wrong for me? Why can’t I get over her? Why does my ex hate me so much?
These are questions that I hear over and over in my office. Humans are social creatures. It is an evolutionary trait. Very early on, we learned that we needed each other to reproduce. We needed each other for protection and food. And we needed each other to feel that we belonged. Some of these motivations are still driving us to find a mate.
A partner. A spouse. Someone to love. Someone who will love us back.
However these evolutionary motivations don’t automatically lead to happily ever after. The reality is that relationships are hard. We are not only dealing with our own personalities, temperament, and lessons learned from families about how to be in a relationship. We are also dealing with someone else’s temperament and family lessons. The situation is further complicated by the fact that our deepest feelings get touched.
Unfortunately, there are no easy answers. It is not just a matter of knowing that it is critical to talk your partner about your feelings. It is about jumping over the fears and worries that consume you and trusting that you can be safe with her. It is about being open to hear that he is angry with you. It is about practicing, and realizing that you may hurt his feelings. It is about apologizing when you do. It is about admitting when you are wrong. It is about not losing control of your most powerful and intense feelings. And the process can go right or awry at any or all of these steps.
I will write weekly about issues that pertain to our most intimate relationships. This may come in the form of helping you to better understand how you and your partner are relating; or, it may be tips and tools on how to make things better. It may be in the form of a review of a book that might be interesting and informative to those who want to work on their relationships; or in answering specific questions.
Whether you come to my office or read my Reflections, my hope is that I can help you to find peace and create joy in your relationships.